1
00:00:03,650 --> 00:00:09,959
CHARLIE: 'At Hotel Babylon,
we're used to high-profile clients

2
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,959
'and their extravagant requests.

3
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:15,159
'So, who would you guess
attracts the most attention,

4
00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:18,799
'and is the most demanding of all?

5
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,960
'If you think royalty, think again.

6
00:00:21,911 --> 00:00:23,959
'I'll tell you.

7
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:27,320
'Premiership footballers
before a big game.

8
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,959
'Wedged-up young blokes,
fit as a butchers' dogs,

9
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,400
'and generally half as smart.

10
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:38,959
'Told to behave, even though
they're eager to sample the excesses

11
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,150
'they quite rightly think
a hotel called Babylon will provide.

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00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:49,959
'It's like lighting a firework
and ordering it not to go off.'

13
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,799
THEY LAUGH

14
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:52,999
Come on, come on!

15
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,959
'And in this hotel,

16
00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,970
'we don't mind the hijinks
that obsess the Sunday tabloids.

17
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,960
'But you should never
take the piss out of hotel staff.'

18
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,960
CHEERING AND YELLING

19
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,960
THEY LAUGH

20
00:01:10,431 --> 00:01:15,999
To paraphrase that fictional
mild-mannered scientist

21
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,170
just before he turns
an ugly shade of green...

22
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:23,960
..don't make us angry. You really
wouldn't like us when we're angry.

23
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,959
Here's your key card, Mr Dovic.
I hope you enjoy your stay.

24
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,959
Your hotel comes highly recommended.

25
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:48,639
I'm fully confident I shall
enjoy my stay to the maximum.

26
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:49,800
Oh, great.

27
00:02:50,131 --> 00:02:54,959
When you've finished
mentally undressing the guests,

28
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,959
do you think you could be persuaded
to do some actual work?

29
00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,959
I've mentally undressed them,
got nasty in the hot tub, showered,

30
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,959
got nasty in the shower, got dressed
and came back down to reception.

31
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,959
All in the ten seconds it took for
the footballer to cross the lobby?

32
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,959
A bum that tight sets off
a fantasy sequence

33
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,959
like a bell triggers a dog to drool.

34
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,550
Don't tell me it doesn't have
the same effect on you.

35
00:03:13,551 --> 00:03:16,959
No requests for autographs,
no addressing by name,

36
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,959
no staring, no touching,
no talking to, no smiling at,

37
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:20,959
no smoking in the presence of.

38
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:21,999
Can we breathe the same air,

39
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,959
or should we switch to anaerobic
respiration in their presence?

40
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,959
Sorry!
Morning, Anna. Come and sit down.

41
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,959
Oh, good morning! You all know
how long I've been schmoozing

42
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,959
every club in the Premiership
to use this as their London base.

43
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:33,959
Yeah, God knows why.

44
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,959
Ugh, how do I put this into words
you'll understand? Oh, yeah.

45
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,959
For... their... money.

46
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,959
Modern footballers
are a bunch of tossers.

47
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,959
In Italy,
the footballers behave like men.

48
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,959
Unless they get ever-so-slightly
nudged in the penalty box.

49
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,959
Yes. Then they behave like
crying little girls

50
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,639
who have their legs
smashed to pieces with hammers.

51
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:54,959
REBECCA: This list was issued by
the club's head of public relations.

52
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,959
Now, if she says "no smiling at",
we do not smile at.

53
00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,999
With Peter Yardley as manager,
you won't need that.

54
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,959
He'll keep them well under control.

55
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,959
The man was a legendary captain
in his day.

56
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,959
Complete opposite
of today's mercenaries.

57
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,959
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a meet-and-greet

58
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,959
with Peter Yardley and the woman
who issued this list. Tony?

59
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:11,959
Yes?
Why don't you join us?

60
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,580
You might get a more rounded view.

61
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,479
You know, I did once
have lunch with George Best.

62
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:19,319
Really?
Here we go.

63
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,639
Yeah, well, I say lunch -
I served him a club sandwich

64
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:23,959
at the Royal Lancaster
and then stood behind a yucca

65
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,959
and watched him eat it.
Best friends, then, huh (?)

66
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,959
Tony said Bestie even
chewed his sandwich more skilfully

67
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,959
than a mortal man.
God, give me strength. Tony!

68
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,479
That man played
for the love of the game.

69
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,959
The game, not the dough.

70
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,959
And sure as dogs have fleas,
kids have germs.

71
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:41,959
Listen, Anatoly didn't resurrect
this club from Division Two

72
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:45,799
only to see his assets
ravaged by chickenpox, OK?

73
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:46,960
The answer is no.

74
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,479
Miss Stoll.
Sorry to keep you waiting.

75
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:54,130
Well, it has been rather irritating,
Miss Mitchell.

76
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,799
Peter Yardley, club manager.

77
00:04:58,800 --> 00:04:59,959
Club coach.

78
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:03,159
In my days, a coach was something
you sat on to get to a match.

79
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:04,959
Yes, well, we still sit on coaches

80
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,959
but that's just to keep their minds
focused on the club's share price.

81
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,959
This is my head concierge, Tony.

82
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,479
He'll be helping to look after you
while you're here.

83
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,959
Big fan, sir, big fan.

84
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:17,959
March 1976, White Hart Lane -
etched on my memory for life.

85
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:18,959
Good game, that was.

86
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,959
How tragic, that a life is
so bereft of incident

87
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,959
that the memory of a football game
should take on such pre-eminence.

88
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,670
I beg your pardon? I need
to talk to you about security.

89
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,010
Paging Mr Lucan.

90
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,010
Paging Mr Lucan.

91
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,010
Paging Mr...

92
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,010
Paging Mr...

93
00:05:39,011 --> 00:05:43,999
Big fan, sir. Massive strike
against Chelsea three weeks ago.

94
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,319
Thanks.

95
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,959
Forgive me
for talking to you at all,

96
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,959
but I just wanted to say that
if there is ANYTHING you want

97
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,959
that room service can't provide,

98
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:56,959
you can text me, Mr Hocker,
on this number.

99
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,960
Anything at all, day or night.

100
00:06:03,911 --> 00:06:05,959
Seen this, genius?

101
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,959
Second front cover in three years.

102
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,010
Great.

103
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,850
Here, mate, can I have
a nice glass of champagne, please?

104
00:06:14,851 --> 00:06:16,959
What you playing?
Footie.

105
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,959
What team are you?
Us.

106
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:19,959
What player?
Myself.

107
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,960
You really need to broaden
your outlook - do you know that?

108
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,960
Oi, soppy. Look after that.

109
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,959
The paparazzi'll stop at nothing

110
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,959
to violate the image rights
of my players.

111
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:39,959
So... I want you to enhance
the security on all the entrances,

112
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,959
to dissuade them from
infiltrating the building.

113
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,959
I don't think it's necessary.

114
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,959
I've given strict instructions
to the lads

115
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,639
to go straight up
to their rooms after supper.

116
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,959
In any event, our current personnel

117
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,959
makes Hotel Babylon
impossible to infiltrate.

118
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,319
My club are paying
an awful lot of money to stay here.

119
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:58,959
In future, they could choose
to spend a great deal more

120
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,960
in Hotel Babylon... or elsewhere.

121
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,959
Consider additional security
on its way.

122
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,959
Once I've spoken, I take it as read

123
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:10,330
that the appropriate action will
automatically follow. Thank you.

124
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,480
Can I help you, sir?

125
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:18,959
I need more pillows.

126
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,190
Of course, sir,
and how many would you like?

127
00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:22,959
About eight.

128
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,960
Eight?
Yeah, I like to be comfy.

129
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,959
Is that all right with you, Mary?
HE CHUCKLES

130
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,799
My name's Ben.

131
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,570
And I think we all know
what that's short for, don't we?

132
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,799
I'll have eight pillows
sent up directly.

133
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,960
And make sure you don't touch
any of 'em.

134
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,959
Ben, everything OK?

135
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,010
Fine.

136
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,319
Good afternoon, sir.
Welcome to Hotel Babylon.

137
00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:55,960
Thanking you kindly.
Sorry.

138
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,010
DOOR CLOSES

139
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,640
Good morning.

140
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:20,479
Your room is 103, Mr Boscastle.
I'll have someone take up your bags.

141
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:22,959
As you can see, I'm...
travelling light.

142
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,959
Boscastle?

143
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,000
Isn't that the flooded village?

144
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,959
My family's
originally from there.

145
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,959
Oh, that's unusual, to be named
after the village you come from.

146
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,959
It's a... Cornish tradition.

147
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,959
I was in Cornwall last year.

148
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:42,959
Boscastle's beautiful - the clifftop
walks and the witches museum.

149
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,010
Thank you.

150
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,100
Amazed they let you out.

151
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:52,999
That is the sixth this afternoon.

152
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,959
From Boscastle?

153
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,959
No, all dressed in black
and have gone straight to the bar.

154
00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,959
It's a very, very small
Johnny Cash convention.

155
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:04,030
And did you notice that not one
of the men has flirted with me?

156
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,639
Anna, you do realise, don't you,
that not everyone

157
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,959
with lead in their pencil wants
to get inside your knickers?

158
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,960
SHE SCOFFS

159
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,159
Tanya?

160
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,959
You should've finished by now.

161
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:21,959
Tanya?

162
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,800
SOBBING

163
00:09:24,911 --> 00:09:26,959
Tanya?

164
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,010
Babe!

165
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,959
Hey.

166
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,959
What's wrong?
TANYA SOBS

167
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:36,959
Babe.

168
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,159
Shh, shh.

169
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,960
It's OK. Shh!

170
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:47,959
Welcome, friends. First, we must...
know each other.

171
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,479
You are?

172
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:52,959
I'm Stephen from, er, Colchester.

173
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,959
ALL: Hello, Stephen from Colchester.

174
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,959
You are?
Meg from Romford.

175
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,960
ALL: Hello, Meg from Romford.

176
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:03,959
Who are these for?

177
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,959
For them.

178
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:06,959
OK. Allow me.

179
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,960
My name is Maureen
and I'm from north-west London.

180
00:10:09,961 --> 00:10:12,959
ALL: Hello, Maureen
from north-west London.

181
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:13,959
And you are?

182
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,799
Oh, I'm Martin and, erm,

183
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,159
I'm from a village just outside...

184
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,960
Just the region, please, Martin.

185
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,799
Norfolk.

186
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,959
ALL: Hello, Martin from Norfolk.

187
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,960
Who's for the sparkling water?

188
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,959
You know Tanya,
our Croatian chambermaid? Mm-hm.

189
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,959
She's convinced that a guest that
she saw walking down the corridor

190
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,479
is the man that murdered
her six neighbours during the war.

191
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,159
Is this a joke?
No.

192
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,999
I found her in the bathroom. She
was shaking. She could barely talk.

193
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,959
Well, I have seen it before.

194
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,959
Some of the staff that come over
as refugees from God knows where.

195
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,799
Memory was probably triggered
by a foreign accent, that's all.

196
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,959
She'll be fine. Give her a Scotch,
send her home and, er,

197
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,159
expect her to be all over you
with embarrassment in the morning.

198
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,959
If I wanted to give her a Scotch
and send her home,

199
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:02,959
I would've gone to Rebecca.

200
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,159
Even if what she says is true -

201
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,959
which, I'd put money on it,
it really isn't -

202
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,959
our limit can only ever be sympathy.

203
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,959
Please, give her a Scotch...

204
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,639
And send her home.

205
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,959
One of my team needs me.

206
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,800
I don't suppose
you remember what that feels like.

207
00:11:19,911 --> 00:11:21,959
HE SIGHS SOFTLY

208
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,960
Jackie...
Don't.

209
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,959
Oi!
Sorry. What?

210
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,479
You excited about tomorrow, Clive?
Yeah.

211
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,959
Yeah. I remember my first
FA Cup quarterfinal.

212
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,999
You're doing it again, boss.
What's that?

213
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,959
You're boring everyone rigid
with your old war stories.

214
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,959
I was trying to relax the boy.

215
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:51,959
I'll keep the boy genius relaxed.
Don't you worry about that.

216
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:52,959
Hey.

217
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,959
Yes, sir?
This roll is stale.

218
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,959
I can assure you,
they're freshly baked.

219
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,960
THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

220
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,959
Hey, come on, lads. Lads!
Oh, leave them alone.

221
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:05,999
They're just having a bit of fun.

222
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:09,479
Well, get me another one, yeah?
Yes, sir.

223
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:10,639
PLAYER: Sling your hook.

224
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:12,959
Go on, get out of here.
Liven yourself up, you mug.

225
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,960
THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

226
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,959
It's just a bit of fun, James.
Ah.

227
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,959
Well, in that case,
I'd better hotfoot it to Savile Row

228
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,160
to repair my splitting sides.

229
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,959
The extra heavies
that we ordered have arrived.

230
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,100
I'll inform Miss Stoll.

231
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,959
Miss Stoll, the additional security
you requested is in place.

232
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,959
Good.
I did have another...

233
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,160
PLAYERS CHEER AND LAUGH

234
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,010
Hey-hey!

235
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,959
I'd rather you didn't do that, SIR.

236
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,959
You're a lesbian?

237
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,959
I'm the manager of this hotel.

238
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,959
So? You have nice ass.

239
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,959
THEY CHEER

240
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,960
That's enough.
All right, Salvador.

241
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,959
Do enjoy the rest of your meal.

242
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,480
THEY CHEER AND WHISTLE

243
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:17,799
I'm gonna have a quiet word.

244
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:18,959
It's just a bit of fun.

245
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,959
Bollocks it is.
No. Thank you, Tony.

246
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,010
Just do your job.

247
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,959
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hang on, hang on, hang on!

248
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,959
SHE GIGGLES
Ah, excuse me.

249
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:34,010
Ah!

250
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,010
LIFT BEEPS

251
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,010
LIFT BEEPS

252
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,010
LIFT BEEPS

253
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:46,480
LIFT PINGS

254
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:00,960
DOOR CLOSES

255
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,479
LIVELY CHATTER

256
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:09,959
Goodnight, sir.
Goodnight.

257
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,959
Goodnight, sir.

258
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,959
Manager off for a quick tipple?

259
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,959
He famously never touched the stuff.
Well, he's touching it now.

260
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,960
Sleep tight, sir.
Don't let the bedbugs bite. Thanks.

261
00:14:19,961 --> 00:14:23,959
In the old days, the kids served
an apprenticeship with the reserves

262
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,479
until they were fully developed.
20 grand a week

263
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,959
for doing what you love.
Ugh, must be a nightmare for 'em (!)

264
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,959
Goodnight, lesbian.
PLAYERS JEER

265
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:32,959
Is there something
you haven't told us?

266
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,959
Yeah. Men in packs are bastards.

267
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,959
They're going up for a quiet night.
Why don't you knock off?

268
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,959
Head of European Operations

269
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,959
specified that I oversee every
aspect of their stay... in person.

270
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,959
Well, why don't you take
a room upstairs

271
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,639
and oversee every aspect of ME

272
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,159
overseeing every aspect
of their stay in person?

273
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:51,959
I could use a bath.

274
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:55,959
At school, I was the goalkeeper...
known for a safe pair of hands.

275
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,959
Everything by the book,
best behaviour?

276
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,959
Think of it as a taste
of management opportunity.

277
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,960
Professional is my middle name.

278
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,010
WHISPERS: Thank you.

279
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,959
I thought it was Marion.

280
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,959
HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
You mention that to anyone...

281
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,960
and I'll break your tongue.

282
00:15:22,911 --> 00:15:24,959
Yes?

283
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,999
You know the six guests dressed
in black who all went to the bar?

284
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,959
If this is a song, I don't know it.

285
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,959
If it's a riddle,
I really don't want to hear it.

286
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:33,959
They all just went
into the same room.

287
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:37,479
Well, maybe they're pallbearers
on their way back from a funeral.

288
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:39,959
Burying the deceased is tiring work.

289
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,959
Perhaps they've nipped upstairs for
a little lie down. What, together?

290
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,959
United in grief.

291
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,639
Don't you want to know
what's really going on up there?

292
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,959
OK. How old's the eldest?
Er, 65.

293
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,959
Mm, well, no, I really don't want
to know what's going on up there.

294
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,159
SHE TUTS
Why's it always got to be about sex?

295
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,960
It doesn't always have to be -
it just nearly always is.

296
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,700
I'm surprised to see you still here.

297
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,319
Jackie told me
who you thought you saw.

298
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,959
Thousands of European businessmen
pass through the hotel every year,

299
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,320
ev...
Dragan Milandrokovic.

300
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:44,959
I didn't think I saw, Charlie.
I SAW Dragan Milandrokovic.

301
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,959
Tanya... Today, he holds credit card
and a briefcase.

302
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:52,959
Ten years ago, it was
Kalashnikov rifle and a horse whip.

303
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,479
HE SIGHS SOFTLY
Go home and get some rest.

304
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:56,959
Jackie told me also.

305
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,959
The longer you spend round here,
the more upset you're gonna get.

306
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,639
I'm stupid.

307
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:02,959
You're not stupid.

308
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:03,959
You're just mistaken.

309
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,960
Yes. I am mistaken...

310
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,960
..to expect management to care about
foreign chambermaid.

311
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,640
THEY CHATTER

312
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:59,959
When I typed in
"Dragan Milandrokovic",

313
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,959
I got a couple of hits connected
to some fairly gruesome stuff

314
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:04,959
in Croatia
at the height of the war.

315
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,999
So, Tanya's not completely mad?

316
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,959
No. This is a shot of Milandrokovic
that I've found.

317
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:14,960
We now search the guy in 704.
Michael Dovic.

318
00:18:15,701 --> 00:18:17,959
He's a highly successful

319
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,159
construction entrepreneur
from Croatia.

320
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,959
Built an orphanage for kids whose
parents were killed in the fighting.

321
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,959
They're both from the same area.

322
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,959
It's a coincidence. They're
completely different personalities.

323
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:28,959
One guy ruins the country,

324
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,070
the other guy's devoted
to rebuilding it.

325
00:18:31,521 --> 00:18:33,959
What better way to disappear

326
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,960
than to become the mirror image
of who you used to be?

327
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,479
Jackie...

328
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,959
I genuinely admire your support
for Tanya, I really do, but...

329
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,960
this is just not the same bloke.
She was SO convinced.

330
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,960
They look the same to you?

331
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:53,960
Me neither.

332
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,010
Is it all right to pop out
now it's quiet?

333
00:19:08,011 --> 00:19:09,959
What for?

334
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,160
A spot of room service.

335
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,959
Room service comes from OUR kitchen,
Luke.

336
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,960
Aha. But not everything our clients
want is on the menu.

337
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,959
Gino... found this on the bar.

338
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,159
"Anything. Any time."
It's class.

339
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,959
Get these knocked up
in a Tube station,

340
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,959
especially for football players,
did we?

341
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,959
Mm-hm. You always say a good
concierge goes the extra mile.

342
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,639
As long as it doesn't take him
over the line.

343
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,959
The line?
Told you on the first day, Luke -

344
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,959
there is a line over which
thou shalt not cross.

345
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:46,959
But you also said, "Everyone chooses
for themselves where that line is."

346
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,010
Indeed I did.

347
00:19:48,011 --> 00:19:49,999
So, can I go now?

348
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:53,480
I don't know, son. Can you?

349
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,960
HE SIGHS

350
00:20:01,911 --> 00:20:03,959
THEY LAUGH

351
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,960
You're gonna love this gaff.

352
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,960
Wow! Look at this!

353
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,959
God, it's massive!

354
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,959
Told you, it's a proper gaff, this.
Oi, come here.

355
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,960
Good evening, ladies. Yes, sir?

356
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,319
I want a massive bottle of Moet
brought up to me room,

357
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,159
and I want one of them
great big Mars bars.

358
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:30,959
Oh, yeah!
THEY GIGGLE

359
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,799
Well, if you call room service
from the suite, sir,

360
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,959
they'll be happy to provide you
with anything you require.

361
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,959
Why don't you be
a good little soldier, yeah,

362
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,799
and, er, see to it personally, yeah?

363
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:42,959
What do you want?

364
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,959
Here you go, look. Here y'are, have
what you want. Here, you are. Oh!

365
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,010
THEY LAUGH

366
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,479
Yes, sir.

367
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:51,959
"Yes, sir. Sergeant major, sir."

368
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,959
THEY LAUGH

369
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,959
No, no. No, he's a lovely little
thing. In't he lovely?

370
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,319
Here, look. You're funny.

371
00:20:58,320 --> 00:20:59,960
Come on.

372
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,959
SHE LAUGHS

373
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,799
So, then, er, are you sure
I get to meet Clive Hocker?

374
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:07,799
Trust me, sweetheart,
we're like brothers.

375
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,159
Brothers?
I've never had brothers before.

376
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,159
HE GASPS AND SIGHS

377
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,640
Now, why do I find that
hard to believe?

378
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:18,320
Go on.

379
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,960
SHE SIGHS HAPPILY

380
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,010
Oh.

381
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,959
Nothing Tony can't handle.

382
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:51,960
Room 704, please.

383
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,959
Sleep well, sir.
In London, I sleep like a baby.

384
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,479
Our pollution has that effect
on people, sir.

385
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,959
When they run out of anaesthetic
at the local hospital,

386
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:06,959
they stick the patients' heads
out of the window

387
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,959
for two or three minutes.
That's nothing.

388
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,959
You know, in my hometown,
we don't say we breathe the air -

389
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:12,959
we say we chew it.

390
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,639
THEY CHUCKLE

391
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,959
Oh, that's not necessary, sir.
I'm just making conversation.

392
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,960
Makes my stay more pleasant.
Goodnight.

393
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,959
Thank you, sir.

394
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,160
What a nice guy.

395
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:28,959
Mm.

396
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:32,030
Perhaps I should tell Rebecca
about our Cornish contingent.

397
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,250
Or better yet,
have a word with them in person.

398
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,959
Yes, Mr Boscastle?

399
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,319
I've been trying to order
room service,

400
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:43,959
but each time I phone down,

401
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,959
they think I'm playing
a practical joke and hang up.

402
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:47,959
Why? What are you trying to order?

403
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,639
Six plates of bacon.

404
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,320
With?
Just bacon.

405
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:55,959
Six plates of just bacon.
No bread, no eggs?

406
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,959
Six portions of five rashers...

407
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,010
unsmoked.

408
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:03,959
Right. Yes, of course.
Leave it with me, sir.

409
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,960
Within the hour, please.

410
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,010
Six plates of bacon?

411
00:23:09,251 --> 00:23:13,959
Well, at least you can rule out
one part of the mystery.

412
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,960
What's that?
They're not Jewish.

413
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,959
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

414
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,960
THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

415
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,960
Give me some more! Whoo!

416
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:34,960
SHE LAUGHS

417
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:38,640
Oh!

418
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:48,959
Yes!

419
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,960
Oh, darling! Baby!

420
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:54,959
Hey, darling, you want me, er,

421
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,959
spank your saucy,
naughty sweet cheeks now?

422
00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:58,959
Oh, yes, please.

423
00:23:58,960 --> 00:23:59,959
KNOCK AT DOOR

424
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:02,159
What? Room service.
Well, come in, then!

425
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:03,959
SHE GROANS

426
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,960
Put the champagne on the table
and the Mars bar over there.

427
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:12,959
Sorry, sir. Where exactly
did you want the Mars bar?

428
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:14,010
Over there.

429
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,000
Oh, wicked. Thanks.

430
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:27,010
How old are you?

431
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:30,799
What?
How old are you?

432
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:31,959
Er, 16 last week.

433
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:33,959
Oi, Private No Nuts.

434
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:36,159
Stop fishing about
for a tip and get out.

435
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:38,319
My boy's a big fan of you guys.

436
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:40,959
Now,
I'll probably get sacked for asking,

437
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:41,959
but, er, he's terminally ill.

438
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,639
If I was to come home
with your autographs,

439
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:46,799
I'd be flavour of the month
my whole life -

440
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,959
which in his case,
is going to be tragically short...

441
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:49,959
I said, "Out."

442
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:51,959
He was born with kidneys
the size of walnuts.

443
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,999
HE SCOFFS
What are you - deaf?

444
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:55,959
When's Clive gonna join in?

445
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:57,960
Soon, babe, all right? Soon.

446
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:01,959
Would you sign?

447
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,280
Nobody's signing nothing.

448
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:06,010
Please.

449
00:25:06,011 --> 00:25:09,959
I'm gonna be taking this gentleman
to another room, sir.

450
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:12,959
Are you bollocks.
Do you really think that this is

451
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:16,799
a healthy environment for a lad
of his age? I saw a lot worse.

452
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,799
Yes, and with all due respect, sir,
look how you turned out.

453
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:20,959
Oh, by the way...

454
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,959
you tip far too generously.

455
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:26,960
You jumped-up little prick.
Hey, hey, what are you doing?

456
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:30,959
You seem to have dropped your towel,
sir.

457
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:32,959
I'm gonna get you sacked so fast,
you'll have a nosebleed.

458
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,959
Is this how you dreamed
that you would end your career

459
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:37,959
when you started out, sir?
Exposed in the Sundays

460
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:39,959
for procuring girls
for the most promising prodigy

461
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:41,319
the game's produced in years?

462
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:42,959
You wouldn't dare.

463
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:46,960
Well, let me find him another room
and you never need know.

464
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:52,010
There you go.

465
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,010
Sir.

466
00:25:55,881 --> 00:25:57,959
Is that your bag, sir?

467
00:25:57,960 --> 00:25:58,959
Yeah.

468
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,010
Excellent. After you.

469
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:04,960
DOOR OPENS

470
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,959
SQUEAKING

471
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,480
MOANING

472
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:15,960
SHE SIGHS

473
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:19,010
SHE GRUNTS

474
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,960
MOANING CONTINUES

475
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:27,960
Right!

476
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,959
I thought I'd got them wrong,
because a little bird told me

477
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,959
that the team makes hospital visits
to sick children.

478
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:54,999
Oh, they do. But only cos
it's an easy way to shag nurses.

479
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,959
Is it like that every time
you share a room with him?

480
00:26:57,960 --> 00:26:59,999
Dave calls the Premiership
the ride of a lifetime.

481
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,959
And you?
I just want to play football.

482
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:04,319
I see.

483
00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:05,640
Well...

484
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:08,959
..I shall make sure
you are not disturbed.

485
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:10,010
Thanks.

486
00:27:10,011 --> 00:27:13,959
Oh, erm, Tony, I'm supposed
to give you something -

487
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:15,959
you know, for your trouble.

488
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:17,960
Not tonight, sir. You sleep well.

489
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:35,010
LOCK BLEEPS

490
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,960
HE SNORES

491
00:27:57,911 --> 00:27:59,959
Yes?

492
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:01,319
Room service.

493
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:02,959
Bacon?
Yes, sir.

494
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:05,479
Leave it outside, please.
Er, I'm afraid I can't do that, sir,

495
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:08,159
in case someone takes it between my
leaving it and your collecting it.

496
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,959
I'll collect it
as soon as you leave it.

497
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:11,959
I'm sorry,

498
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:15,160
but I am charged to bring the bacon
up and into your room, sir.

499
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:19,799
Leave the bacon and go away.
SQUEAKING

500
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:21,960
It is more than my job's worth...
SIR.

501
00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:28,960
WOMAN CHANTS

502
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:33,959
I see. So it's just shagging...

503
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:34,959
and meat.

504
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:38,799
Well, at least you had the decency
to bring your own bedding.

505
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:39,960
Close the door.

506
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:42,959
OK. OK, OK.
DOOR CLOSES

507
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:44,959
What you guys get up to
behind closed doors -

508
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,959
it's your business.
If that's what turns you and you

509
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,959
and you and you and you on,
then who am I to judge?

510
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:52,959
Why don't we just take the bacon
and let her go?

511
00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:54,799
Not possible.

512
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,959
Not only is it possible -
it's absolutely what you must do.

513
00:28:57,960 --> 00:28:59,959
I'm sorry, young lady.

514
00:28:59,960 --> 00:29:01,480
You've seen too much.

515
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:17,010
Ay-up, mate.

516
00:29:17,011 --> 00:29:20,959
You look like you could use a drink.
What is it about money

517
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:22,999
that makes people think
they can do whatever they want

518
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:25,959
and treat everyone else like shit
in the process?

519
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:27,959
Is, er...? Is Karl Marx in tonight?

520
00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,959
I thought he wasn't coming in
till next week.

521
00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:32,640
LAUGHTER

522
00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:40,959
Please...
restore my faith in humanity.

523
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:43,959
That business upstairs - you didn't
really enjoy that, did you?

524
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:45,959
Enjoy? I loved it!

525
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:47,959
Well, what about a little thing
called self-respect?

526
00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:49,159
SHE SCOFFS
Talk to the hand,

527
00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:52,799
cos the tits aren't listening, yeah?
THEY GIGGLE

528
00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:54,000
See you later.

529
00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:20,960
A fizzy water
and a slice of vodka, Gino.

530
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:24,010
THEY CHATTER

531
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:30,800
Lime? If it looks like
another shot of vodka, absolutely.

532
00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:33,010
Heavy evening?

533
00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:35,010
Disillusioning.

534
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:39,959
You know, if Mr Yardley there

535
00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:41,959
knew what his players were doing
upstairs,

536
00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:44,959
he would not be sat down here
drinking with his buddies.

537
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:47,959
They're not buddies,
they're baddies.

538
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:48,959
Go on.

539
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:50,959
South London gangland.

540
00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:54,960
Very rich, very violent,
very good tippers.

541
00:30:56,960 --> 00:30:58,479
There you go. There's your...

542
00:30:58,480 --> 00:31:00,159
Make sure you count that.
Yeah.

543
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:01,959
Oh, hello.

544
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:03,010
Hello what?

545
00:31:03,011 --> 00:31:05,959
Well,
didn't you just see what I just saw?

546
00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:08,959
I saw one man give another man
an empty envelope.

547
00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:09,959
Are you blind?

548
00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:11,960
It was bursting at the seams.
Hm.

549
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:17,960
Thank you. See you later.
Lovely.

550
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:22,959
Oh. Thank you, gentlemen.

551
00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:25,160
Lovely. Thank you.
Very good to see you.

552
00:31:26,911 --> 00:31:30,959
They just bunged
a Premiership manager.

553
00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:34,639
I saw an empty envelope. And if
you like your kneecaps in one piece,

554
00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:35,959
that is what you saw as well, eh?

555
00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:37,959
God, that's Peter bloody Yardley.

556
00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:40,959
Think he's selling his allocation,
like many others.

557
00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:45,159
Would he be a fool if he was not
on the make, like everybody else?

558
00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:47,479
Everyone except the fans, Gino.

559
00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:48,959
All over the world,
fans are screwed.

560
00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:51,959
That's the way it is.
Yeah.

561
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:55,159
Well, tonight, I've had a bellyful
of the way that it is.

562
00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:56,639
Hey, Tony.

563
00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:57,960
Mr Yardley...

564
00:31:59,160 --> 00:32:00,959
..could you sign that?

565
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:02,960
HE SIGHS
Sure, sure.

566
00:32:02,961 --> 00:32:06,959
My dad took me
all the time to see you play.

567
00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:08,959
Them were the days, eh?

568
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:10,959
You never went down, never dived.

569
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:11,959
My old fella used to say

570
00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:14,490
that you were the most honest player
in the league.

571
00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:23,959
I'm, er... I'm tired, son.
Maybe tomorrow, eh?

572
00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:25,010
Mm. May I?

573
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:30,959
Are you anxious?

574
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:32,959
About the match?

575
00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:34,999
HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
You're having a laugh.

576
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:38,959
My squad's been hand-picked from
all over Europe at vast expense.

577
00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:41,959
They could stay in the hotel in bed
and still walk it.

578
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,959
Well, you don't sound as pleased
about that as you might.

579
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:47,959
Look, son... when I played,

580
00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:50,959
the FA Cup was a beautiful dream
everyone got a shot at.

581
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:54,319
Now, it's got all the romance
of a spreadsheet.

582
00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:58,959
Mr Yardley,
your boys are running riot upstairs.

583
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:00,319
But they win.

584
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:01,959
And that's all that matters?

585
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:03,639
Winning's good for business.

586
00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:05,159
That's all that matters.

587
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:08,160
Well, my old man would turn
in his grave to hear you say that.

588
00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:12,960
Then maybe he's better off where
he is. Now, if you'll excuse me...

589
00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:15,640
PETER GRUNTS

590
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:23,959
What are you doing up?

591
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:25,960
Couldn't sleep. So, how's it been?

592
00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:29,960
These people. They're vile.

593
00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:33,960
Well, you say that as if you want
to do something about it.

594
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:36,319
What if I did?

595
00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:37,959
Such as...?

596
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:41,960
Well, if I were to say it out loud,
I would probably lose my job.

597
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:44,959
Then don't say it out loud.

598
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:46,959
What about all the business
the hotel would lose

599
00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:49,959
as a result of me doing something?

600
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:50,959
All that money.

601
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:52,959
I'm coming round to the idea

602
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:55,959
that the satisfaction we would gain
would be compensation enough.

603
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:58,959
Seriously?
Make it a team-building exercise.

604
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:00,959
I'm sure you'll find James amenable.

605
00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:03,959
And Charlie... and Gino...

606
00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:05,959
and Ben.
Ben?

607
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:07,010
Oh, definitely Ben.

608
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:09,639
And you?

609
00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:12,959
I will be in the gym,
running off some steam.

610
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:14,479
Ooh, Tony.

611
00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:16,960
Rule number one...
Don't get caught.

612
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:22,959
Well... looks like it IS
a game of two halves.

613
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:24,960
James... have you got a moment?

614
00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:28,010
Luke.

615
00:34:31,911 --> 00:34:33,959
What's going on?

616
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:36,959
What would you gentlemen say
to a little wager?

617
00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:38,959
Depends what the odds are.

618
00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:40,959
Long.
Then it would depend on the bet.

619
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:44,159
Imagine there was a group of people
that you took a severe dislike to.

620
00:34:44,160 --> 00:34:47,959
Could you be more specific?
Dislike is not my default position.

621
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:50,959
Imagine this group of people
were in the immediate vicinity.

622
00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:52,959
You're looking to stitch up
our overpaid sporting guests.

623
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:54,959
I bet your teachers loved you.
Yes, they did.

624
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:58,959
They used to give me extra detention
to spend more time with me.

625
00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:00,959
What are we talking about here?
Serving one of our...

626
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:02,799
special breakfasts?

627
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:04,959
You in?
Yeah, all right.

628
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:06,959
Count me in.
Oh, and me.

629
00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:09,959
Luke, are you staying on
your side of the line,

630
00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:10,959
or are you joining us on mine?

631
00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:12,959
Joining you.

632
00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:16,960
Good lad. So, as they say
in the sporting fraternity, game on.

633
00:35:16,961 --> 00:35:21,159
We have no wish to keep you here
against your will,

634
00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:24,959
but seeing as you forced your way
into our room,

635
00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:26,959
I'm asking you to remain
of your own volition

636
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:28,959
for a little while longer.

637
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:31,959
You really think that the world
is going to end tonight?

638
00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:34,479
According to the prophecies,

639
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:36,960
the world will end in exactly...

640
00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:40,319
..42 minutes,

641
00:35:40,320 --> 00:35:42,959
at which point,
the Planet Earth will collide

642
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:45,959
with a massive asteroid
of dark matter.

643
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:48,959
Precisely 30 seconds
prior to impact,

644
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:51,959
I have arranged for the six of us to
be plucked from certain vaporisation

645
00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:55,959
by pan-galactic nomads from
a tertiary spiral of the Milky Way.

646
00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:58,319
You can't really believe
this mumbo jumbo!

647
00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:00,959
We do not merely believe. We know.

648
00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:02,959
So how come no-one else knows?

649
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:04,959
There are others
making their own arrangements.

650
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:06,959
All right,
so why hasn't it been on the news?

651
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:09,959
It has been decided
to allow humanity to be extinguished

652
00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:13,959
without the grotesque trauma
a mass panic would inevitably bring.

653
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:16,959
This is ridiculous.
I have a hair appointment tomorrow.

654
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:19,960
Trust me... you don't.

655
00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:24,959
OK. So, what's with the bacon, then?

656
00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:27,250
What - is that your last meal
before the poof?

657
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:30,959
In order to be salvaged
prior to impact,

658
00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:33,959
our bodies will be required
to travel at great speed,

659
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:35,959
thus depleting muscle tissue.

660
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:38,959
I have been advised that bacon
has the requisite

661
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:40,959
protein-to-sodium-chloride ratio

662
00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:42,959
to most quickly rectify that damage.

663
00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:44,959
Aha. OK, I see.

664
00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:47,799
You're completely mad, aren't you?

665
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:50,959
Anyone ignorant
of the impending cataclysm

666
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:52,639
would no doubt imagine the same.

667
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:54,960
I have arranged the bacon, Adrian.

668
00:36:57,960 --> 00:36:59,010
Thank you, Maureen.

669
00:36:59,960 --> 00:37:03,959
Now... excuse us.
We must prepare for our journey.

670
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:05,959
Yes, of course. Erm,
how are you proposing to do that?

671
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:08,960
Are you going to hang a large towel
out of the window?

672
00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:13,959
Bacon... and suspended animation
through hypnosis.

673
00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:15,580
Hypnosis. Right, now, I've heard...

674
00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:18,959
So...

675
00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:20,010
let us feed.

676
00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:44,959
Three, two, one.

677
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:46,800
ALARM WAILS

678
00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:52,319
Come on, you lot!

679
00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:54,959
Shake a leg! Come on, move it.

680
00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:56,010
Fire!

681
00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:00,960
ALARM DROWNS SPEECH

682
00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:06,960
ALARM BELL RINGS

683
00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:14,640
ALARM CONTINUES

684
00:38:17,631 --> 00:38:19,959
MAUREEN GASPS
We're here.

685
00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:21,959
We're here!

686
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:23,959
Come swiftly.

687
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:26,959
We're here! We're waiting!

688
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:28,959
Maureen, it's the hotel fire alarm.

689
00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:30,959
It's our saviours.

690
00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:33,959
The electromagnetic shock wave
from the impact

691
00:38:33,960 --> 00:38:34,959
must have blown
the electronic circuits

692
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:36,959
the length and breadth
of the country.

693
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:39,319
We must hold fast
to our prescribed course of action.

694
00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:40,960
SHE WAILS

695
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:47,959
Maureen, when I advertised
for fellow travellers on my website,

696
00:38:47,960 --> 00:38:48,959
I requested people

697
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:51,959
who would remain calm in adversity.

698
00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:53,959
Now, all of you, repeat after me.

699
00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:56,959
Calm in adversity,
ecstatic in salvation.

700
00:38:56,960 --> 00:39:00,639
ALL: Calm in adversity,
ecstatic in salvation.

701
00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:03,959
Calm in adversity,
ecstatic in salvation.

702
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:05,959
Calm in adversity,

703
00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:07,959
ecstatic in salvation.

704
00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:09,640
Now...

705
00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:12,010
..take us.

706
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:16,160
And God help... everybody else.

707
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,960
ALARM WAILS

708
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:32,960
Ladies and gentlemen...

709
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:35,959
Please. Please stay calm.
ALARM STOPS

710
00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:37,639
Er, we've got every reason
to believe

711
00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:38,959
that this is a false alarm.
GUESTS GROAN

712
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:41,799
Stay in the lobby, though,
so we can check the rooms out

713
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:42,959
and clear the alarm.
In the meantime,

714
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:44,959
I'm gonna have hotel staff
pass amongst you,

715
00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:46,639
just to tick your names off,

716
00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:48,959
make sure that everyone's
present and correct.

717
00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:50,960
Thanks very much
for your cooperation.

718
00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:55,639
Now, this is interesting.

719
00:39:55,640 --> 00:39:56,959
Listen.

720
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:58,959
I've been all over Europe
with this team.

721
00:39:58,960 --> 00:40:00,959
I have never seen my boys trea...

722
00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:03,370
If you have something to say,
say it in my office.

723
00:40:13,701 --> 00:40:15,959
All present and correct,

724
00:40:15,960 --> 00:40:19,959
except Mr Dovic, Clive Hocker,
Anna and the six weirdos.

725
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:22,959
Right, well,
Tony checked Clive into a suite,

726
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:23,959
so I'll go and give Mr Dovic a call.

727
00:40:23,960 --> 00:40:25,959
I have. There's no answer.

728
00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:28,970
Well, we both saw him check in,
and he's not gone out, has he?

729
00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:31,799
Shit!

730
00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:34,959
Get the security to meet me
in Mr Dovic's room pronto.

731
00:40:34,960 --> 00:40:37,430
What about Anna
and the pasty makers? Just do it!

732
00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:47,959
Mr Dovic, it's the manager.

733
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:49,010
STRAINED GROANING

734
00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:54,960
DOVIC MUTTERS

735
00:40:57,960 --> 00:41:00,959
HE MUTTERS

736
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:03,159
Jesus! Tanya, you should have
stayed at home.

737
00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:04,319
It is him.

738
00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:06,960
Tanya...
Dragan Milandrokovic.

739
00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:09,959
This man's name is Mr Dovic.

740
00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:12,959
I was going to make him confess
before I kill him.

741
00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:14,480
Now, you can also hear.

742
00:41:14,911 --> 00:41:16,959
HE MUTTERS

743
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:18,639
SHE SPEAKS CROATIAN

744
00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:20,960
Tanya, this is not a way
to get what you want.

745
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:23,799
HE GASPS

746
00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:25,639
I am Mr Dovic.

747
00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:26,959
I'm innocent!

748
00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:29,959
I provide children.

749
00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:31,959
I'm a building contractor. Please.

750
00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:34,479
SHE SPEAKS CROATIAN

751
00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:37,159
Innocent man does not
plead for his life like this.

752
00:41:37,160 --> 00:41:38,959
Tanya, even if
this was who you thought it was,

753
00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:40,959
you should have gone to the police.

754
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:43,959
What - and lose my visa
for being troublemaker?

755
00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:48,959
I ask you to help me,
but you do nothing.

756
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:50,960
HE GRUNTS
Tanya, look at me.

757
00:41:51,960 --> 00:41:54,959
I need you to look at something
very carefully now.

758
00:41:54,960 --> 00:41:58,959
Jackie got this off the internet.
It's a picture of Milandrokovic.

759
00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:00,959
It's not the same man.

760
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:02,959
Please, really look at it closely.

761
00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:04,959
I never forget his voice.

762
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:08,639
Two people can sound very similar.
It was a long, long time ago.

763
00:42:08,640 --> 00:42:09,960
Or his eyes.

764
00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:13,159
You're mistaken.

765
00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:14,960
Take all the time you need.

766
00:42:20,891 --> 00:42:26,959
If we establish this alarm
was caused by one of your players,

767
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:27,959
I will be writing to your chairman.

768
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:30,959
As will I,
to report that this hotel

769
00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:33,959
falls far short
of the standards we are used to.

770
00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,959
Your squad falls far short
of the standard of behaviour

771
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:38,959
we expect of our guests.

772
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:42,270
I think you're forgetting who
you're speaking to, Miss Mitchell.

773
00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:45,639
I am speaking to
an over-promoted hypocrite,

774
00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:47,959
who screwed a married footballer
in my hotel.

775
00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:48,959
It's not what I'd call

776
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:50,959
the highest level of
professionalism, Miss Stoll.

777
00:42:50,960 --> 00:42:52,799
SHE SCOFFS

778
00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:53,960
SHE SIGHS SMUGLY

779
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:57,960
I could sue you
for a remark like that.

780
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:09,960
SHE GASPS

781
00:43:16,640 --> 00:43:17,959
What is it you want?

782
00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:20,639
I want you and your team
out of my hotel.

783
00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:21,959
Unless you want it leaked
to the press

784
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:23,959
that you and your team
were thrown out.

785
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:25,800
KNOCK AT DOOR
Yes?

786
00:43:25,801 --> 00:43:29,639
We're serving an early breakfast
in the dining room now.

787
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:30,800
Excellent.

788
00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:34,959
Breakfast, and then out.

789
00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:37,959
Oh, and, er, six guests and Anna
are still unaccounted for.

790
00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:38,959
SHE GROANS

791
00:43:38,960 --> 00:43:41,960
I'm so sorry, Charlie.

792
00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:45,959
Take her downstairs.

793
00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:47,480
I'm so sorry.

794
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:52,959
I'm so, so sorry.

795
00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:53,959
Mr Dovic...

796
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:56,959
on behalf of the Hotel Babylon,
I apologise profusely

797
00:43:56,960 --> 00:43:58,959
for this horrendous incident,

798
00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:01,639
and will, of course,
be calling the police immediately.

799
00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:02,959
No.

800
00:44:02,960 --> 00:44:04,010
No police.

801
00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:10,960
The bitch must have hit me
when I was asleep.

802
00:44:11,960 --> 00:44:14,960
Should have finished the job
when I had the chance.

803
00:44:15,960 --> 00:44:17,010
HE SIGHS

804
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:32,010
Oh, my God!

805
00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:36,010
Anna?

806
00:44:37,911 --> 00:44:39,959
Anna.

807
00:44:39,960 --> 00:44:41,010
Anna!

808
00:44:41,911 --> 00:44:43,959
Rebecca.

809
00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:45,960
Please tell me no-one's dead.

810
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:56,959
My name...

811
00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:58,960
is Adrian Tintagel.

812
00:44:59,960 --> 00:45:02,640
I am ecstatic in my salvation.

813
00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:05,959
I am at your service.

814
00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:06,959
What did he say?

815
00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:08,960
Something about
being in your cervix.

816
00:45:10,911 --> 00:45:12,959
Where am I?

817
00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:14,959
Hotel Babylon.

818
00:45:14,960 --> 00:45:16,959
That's not possible. The Earth...

819
00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:19,159
Still very, very here.

820
00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:20,959
The others?

821
00:45:20,960 --> 00:45:21,959
Still unconscious.

822
00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:25,639
You see, you weren't saved, Adrian.

823
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:27,960
No little green men
are coming for you.

824
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:32,850
Unless, of course, they're wearing
white coats, that is.

825
00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:39,000
Enjoy your breakfast, sir.

826
00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:50,480
Thanks.

827
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:53,959
Cheers.

828
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,480
Enjoy.
Cheers.

829
00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:06,959
I'll, er, sign your autograph book
now, if you want.

830
00:46:06,960 --> 00:46:08,959
Thanks, but it's full.

831
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:10,010
Right.

832
00:46:10,960 --> 00:46:12,800
PLAYERS CHAT

833
00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:15,960
RUMBLING

834
00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:31,319
Well, Mr Tintagel,

835
00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:32,959
I do hope that your next visit

836
00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:35,960
is under slightly less
apocalyptic circumstances.

837
00:46:37,960 --> 00:46:40,959
Am I eligible for Air Miles
on this card?

838
00:46:40,960 --> 00:46:43,959
Well, yes, you are, sir,
but only as far as Alpha Centauri.

839
00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:45,800
After that, you're on your own.

840
00:46:59,960 --> 00:47:01,959
You have my account ready?

841
00:47:01,960 --> 00:47:03,959
Of course, sir.

842
00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:06,959
Also, I'd like a taxi to take me
to Heathrow.

843
00:47:06,960 --> 00:47:08,959
There's a cab rank outside, sir.

844
00:47:08,960 --> 00:47:10,959
Mm-hm. I'm sorry - what?

845
00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:12,960
There is a cab rank outside.

846
00:47:14,960 --> 00:47:17,960
No, I mean, I would like you
to order me a taxi.

847
00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:23,959
I'm afraid that's
not gonna be possible, Mr...

848
00:47:23,960 --> 00:47:25,959
Mr Milandrokovic.

849
00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:28,959
I will have the number of
your plastic surgeon, though.

850
00:47:28,960 --> 00:47:31,960
We get all sorts in here
who need help to... disappear.

851
00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:40,010
PAPER RUSTLES

852
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:45,959
You!

853
00:47:45,960 --> 00:47:47,960
Take my cases to the taxi.
Leave 'em.

854
00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:50,010
I'm sorry, sir.

855
00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:54,959
Order him
to take my cases to the taxi.

856
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:56,010
Or what?

857
00:47:57,960 --> 00:48:01,960
Somebody take my cases to the taxi,
NOW!

858
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:16,959
As manager of this hotel,

859
00:48:16,960 --> 00:48:22,959
I demand that you make someone
carry my cases to the taxi.

860
00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:24,959
I can't do that, so I'm afraid

861
00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:27,250
you're gonna have to
carry them out yourself.

862
00:48:47,480 --> 00:48:48,640
Tanya...

863
00:48:59,640 --> 00:49:00,960
TRANSLATION:

864
00:49:24,480 --> 00:49:26,800
TYRES SCREECH

865
00:49:29,960 --> 00:49:31,959
CHARLIE: A famous pig once said,

866
00:49:31,960 --> 00:49:34,639
"All men are equal, but some
are more equal than others."

867
00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:36,959
But it's precisely because
it's always the pigs

868
00:49:36,960 --> 00:49:37,959
who say stuff like that

869
00:49:37,960 --> 00:49:40,960
that the rest of us
shouldn't accept it.

870
00:49:40,961 --> 00:49:43,959
RADIO COMMENTATOR:
'I can't believe this.

871
00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:46,999
'The captain, David Osbourne,
has just been sick on the touchline.

872
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:49,959
'Apart from Clive Hocker,
who scored a tremendous goal,

873
00:49:49,960 --> 00:49:52,639
'the United players have been
on and off the pitch

874
00:49:52,640 --> 00:49:54,959
'during this remarkable game.

875
00:49:54,960 --> 00:49:56,959
'The manager Peter Yardley's job
must surely be

876
00:49:56,960 --> 00:49:58,959
'hanging by a thread...'
No!

877
00:49:58,960 --> 00:50:00,159
THEY LAUGH
'Oh, and look at that.

878
00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:02,959
'Look at that. There are more
players leaving the field

879
00:50:02,960 --> 00:50:03,959
'and they're throwing up.

880
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:05,799
'And there's the whistle.

881
00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:07,959
'It's 4-1 to the winners
of the Conference League,

882
00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:10,959
'and the Premiership giants
are out of the cup.'

883
00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:12,319
Revenge is, indeed, sweet.

884
00:50:12,320 --> 00:50:15,959
Yeah, like a pina colada
with a cherry-brandy chase, eh?

885
00:50:15,960 --> 00:50:17,959
CHARLIE: 'I can't speak for staff
at other hotels

886
00:50:17,960 --> 00:50:21,959
'but here at Hotel Babylon,
we'll put up with a lot.

887
00:50:21,960 --> 00:50:24,959
'Like I said,
just don't take the piss.

888
00:50:24,960 --> 00:50:26,960
'And don't... make us angry.

889
00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:33,960
'You know why.'

890
00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:40,960
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com

891
00:50:41,010 --> 00:50:45,560
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